Article from “The Ex-Factor” Issue 3 September 2006

People aren’t difficult.
They are just different; aren’t they?

SEO Association Newsletter (School Executive Officers’ Association Incorporated)

The difficult person is someone who is working from the negative side of their personality rather than the conscious desire to be difficult.

The person is often unaware that this part of their personality is on show. They do not realise the affect this has on their dealings with others.

The do not realise how harmful this can be to their own lives both professionally and privately.

It appears that most difficult people have their own agenda i.e. being focussed on their own needs. They cause tension and conflicts around them affecting not only themselves but also their work colleagues. They then use up a great deal of time, energy and attention which would be better used on those effective performers able to work well with others.

Many workplaces today require employees to work more with fewer staff and less resources; resulting often in an increase in pressure therefore individual stress, personalities clashing (unresolved issues) and people taking feedback on their work in a personal way.

Team leaders, Managers, Principals, Hod’s etc. need to understand the underlying emotional vulnerability of some employees and the need for many of recognition and the importance of self worth. Having understood this, one discovers the fundamental elements of building trust, activating motivation and producing productive work relations.

There also needs to be considered the three underlying reasons for difficult situations in the work place, which can result in difficult people: POT: People, Organisational and Technical.

One is not able to change a difficult person so that they become agreeable and pleasant to deal or work with. Change will only take place if the individual has the desire to change and is prepared to work towards that change.

So if a difficult person does not have the desire to change then you have to change your reaction to them and their ways so as to reduce your reaction of hurt and frustration which results from your dealings with them.

All communication consists of reaction and counter reaction. By changing your reactions both inwardly and outwardly you can make difficult people counter react in a different way even if only on a temporary basis. This may not result in eliminating any problems totally however it will diffuse most situations and therefore make them easier to deal with.

Each of us reacts in a different way with people because each of us has a different starting point. No two individuals have the same view of themselves.

People can be easily hurt, deflated or demoralised by the words and actions of others.

For many people this is the reaction they rely upon and what gives them the power over you. If you react in the way they expect to then you allow them to win and continue in this behaviour.

The way to overcome these people is to behave in a smarter way and influence their responses and therefore have a different behavioural result, which is less upsetting, frustrating and hurtful.

So by changing our attitude towards difficult people and changing our viewpoint about what makes them wrong we can find out how to improve our ability to work with difficult people.


Some suggestions:

• Try and rise a level above the difficult person.
• Be able to forgive them – send out empathy, not resentment and anger.
• Accept that they are doing often the best they know how. They have not learned yet effective communication skills and have adopted instead manipulative behaviour.
• Be able to change yourself, as this will add to your ability to work better with others. Difficult people find it hard to change. They think to themselves, “This is just the way I am”
• Be able to take 100% responsibility for your happiness. Do not allow another human being to rob you for one minute or one second of your enjoyment of life.
• Commit yourself to a sense of a life purpose beyond the day to day work. You will gain a perspective that will keep difficult people in perspective.